Wednesday, June 19, 2013


I know feelings are fickle and we should not allow them to control us. Probably one of the hardest things in life is to not allow your feelings to get the best of you.

Monday and yesterday, I was full of hope and felt like I was on top of the world and part of me still does. I have 2 potential gigs for virtual admin work for local business owners. I also have a call in to the local paper to do a paper route. I'm feeling good about the potential and excited about the possibilities! I won't be rolling in dough, but I will be able to realize I my dream of working from home so I can be around more for the kids. I won't have benefits, but that is a bridge I can cross after I am established.

Today has been an "odd" day. Anybody who is or has been on unemployment in the State of Illinois knows that you have to "certify" every other week before you will get your benefits. When you certify, you are basically telling the State whether you worked during the previous 2 weeks or if you turned down work. I have to certify every other Monday. I did on Monday, well at least I thought I did. I have direct deposit set-up with the State and the funds show up in my account on the Wednesday after I certify. Well, the funds were not there today. My mind starts racing since that money was going to go towards rent. On top of it all, I have not received any child support money for a month now. My ex just started working again last week so I should start seeing money from him again within the next couple of weeks.

I also need to muster all the courage possible to talk with my Landlord. My lease is up in August and I need to talk about renewing. I also need to admit that I am unemployed and allow them to make a decision on if they want to renew the lease with me. This is where I need to swallow my pride.

Today, I have been constantly reminding myself that God is in control.

Matthew 6:26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life Or single cubit to your height?

It's hard not to worry, but meditating on this truth is very helpful. We can't live by our feelings. I used to say that if I lived by my feelings, I would never make it to work. Being unemployed currently doesn't make that a valid statement for me anymore, but I think you get the point. Sometimes I don't feel like being a mom, but I still have to take care of my kids. I never want to clean, but it has to be done.

Meditating on the truth that God is in control and will provide for my needs is more comfort than any worldly thing or person could possibly provide!


Sunday, June 16, 2013

Father's Day

This is a day where I have mixed emotions.

My father, whom I love dearly, is not a Christian. He tries his best to be there for me during this difficult time in my life, but he and I do not have the same beliefs. I know who is in control in my life which makes it hard to explain to my earthly father some of the decisions I make. I know it is me following God's lead, but my earthly father would not understand this.

My dad is not someone I can go to for advice. This is where I turn to God and my Christian friends. If I need money for food or Christmas presents, my dad is there. My dad recently bought me a new printer and pool passes for me and the kids. My mom is somewhat a part of what my dad does. I'm not sure if she would give as freely with money as my dad does on her own. If my dad talks to her about what he wants to do for me, then she will go along, but I don't think she would do these things on her own.

My dad has prostate cancer. He is going to have his prostate removed on June 25th. It was this past December when the possiblity became known. Yet, the doctor did not schedule the biopsy until February. We knew it was going to be cancer, but yet the words nearly knocked me off my chair when the results were in. Prostate cancer is slow growing and 100% survivable if caught before it spreads. Thankfully, the cancer has not spread for my dad, but yet here it is June and he is finally having the surgery. The surgery was originally scheduled for June 11th, but was postponed due to a piece of equipment that needed to be repaired. These delays concern me. Even though we know the cancer has not spread, the longer this takes the higher the chances are that the cancer will spread. I have said to my dad from the beginning that there does not appear to be any sense of urgency with this. My dad seems to be fine with this so I back off. It's not my health or my life. I pray that God will heal my father.

The thought of losing my dad is as scary to me as it is to anyone who has or will lose their father. What is most scary is where my father will spend eternity. I don't want to lose my father on earth, but I would feel better about it if I knew that he was saved and going to heaven to be with Jesus. I pray that God will give me the opportunity and my father the open heart to accept Jesus before my father leaves this world. I pray that not just for my father, but for my brothers and my mother as well.

Then there is the father of my 2 children. They are with him today because it is father's day. He is another one who is not a Christian. We do not co-parent. I raise the children and I don't ask for his input. Maybe that is narcissist on my part, but he and I do not agree and his lifestyle does not reflect anything I want my children to follow. He does not provide for his children in the ways he should, he swears, he barks out orders at the kids and expects them to just listen, he has a girlfriend who spends the night in his bed with him when the kids are there. The list goes on and on. I pray for him to come to Jesus. I had to let go of how he is a long time ago. I have no control of what goes on at his house and as long as it is not illegal or brings physical harm to my children, there is nothing I can do. My children, God Bless them, they even tell me how they try and talk to their dad about Jesus.

Lord, I pray for all who are struggling with their lack of earthly father figures in their lives. I pray you will show Yourself to them and how they can lean on You and trust You to provide for them. I pray for the parents who are both father and mother to their child(ren). I pray for strength for them to endure and guidance from You on how to parent them appropriately. I also pray for the children who do not have godly fathers in their lives. I pray you will provide godly father figures for these children. To you be the glory forever and ever. In Jesus Name, amen!!!

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Role Models

I was watching this video by Brendon Burchard. Brendon says something in the video that is important for everyone to realize. Well, he says more than one thing, but there is one thing that I felt compelled to post about. That is the subject of role models.

When you are a kid you need good role models in your life. When you are an adult, you need to BE a good role model to others. Whether you are a parent, a boss, co-worker, husband, wife, famous actor/actress, sports figure, etc. You are a role model whether you want to be or not.

My former employer (the company that let me go) has the management style of 'do what you're told and don't complain about it'. They make decisions (which I understand, they have the right to make whatever decisions they want) and the attitude is 'deal with it'. They will ask employees if they have an issue and act as if they care about the opinions of their employees, but in the end, they will tell you to "get over it". It truly was shocking to me and made my blood boil. I am someone who does not  "tolerate" injustice so I'm sure my vocalness is what led them to let me go. I was never insubordinate or disrespectful to my managers, but I would give my opinion in a respectful way. I would do it again as well. If anything, I am sorry I did not speak up more.

I know I sound bitter. I truly don't mean to. It's how passionate I am about this topic. If you are promoted to manager,  you should strive to be a leader, not a control freak. I can tell you from experience how bad morale is at my former employer because of the management issues there. When morale is low, productivity is low. Not to mention that the company is suffering financially for it as well. The company has lost more than 75% of their sales force this year due to the company's poor management practices.

As a parent, I understand the responsibility I have as a role model to my children. By no means am I perfect. I do know that if I want my kids to follow Jesus, I have to model that for them. If I don't want them to use foul language, then I have to not use foul language. If I want them to be readers, then I have to read. You get the idea.

It also is about treating others the way you want to be treated. Also known as the "Golden Rule".

Luke 6:31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.

We all are in a position to lead someone. You may be a boss, a friend, an older sibling, parent, etc. You may be in a leadership position at a church or at a Fortune 500 company. The word to focus on is "lead". Be more of a leader than a manager. This is something I am learning as my children get older. Yes, they still need to have respect for me as their parent and I still need to have the final say in most situations, but I have to let them make their own choices and not try and control them or the situation they are in. I need to lead my children in the right direction when they need to make a decision about something in their lives.

We need to encourage others to pursue what they are passionate about. That is what great leaders do. Great leaders encourage you. Great leaders help you come to the best decision instead of making the decision for you.

Would you want to be "managed" or "led"? This is a question you must ask yourself if you are in a position of authority over anyone.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Still Searching/Waiting

I am still searching and waiting for my next job to come along, I am getting concerned and fearful of what is going to happen. I'm trying to remain positive; however, the unemployment benefits will not cover our monthly expenses - no matter how much I trim the monthly expenses. I have not received any child support for 3 weeks now (I was receiving child support weekly). My ex will potentially start a new job this week so hopefully child support will begin again. He lost his job at the end of May. It was a temp position that ended. He is supposed to receive unemployment benefits as well and has a meeting with the unemployment office tomorrow to discuss why he is not receiving any benefits.

I went on a job interview Thursday. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want the job, but can't take it due to the commute. I'm discouraged, but I will get over it. It is a great opportunity and would allow me to work on projects that I have wanted to go back to for a long time. I think the key words there are "back to". As much as I enjoy the work, I think there is something to be said about "going back". Maybe that is why God is blocking it. Maybe because it is time for a change. I just wish I knew what the "change" is supposed to be. My focus has been to find work that I can do from home. There is blogging, virtual admin work or there are positions in my field that allow for flexible working arrangements. I have tried direct selling companies in the past and it is not my thing. I do still submit my resume to positions that are not based at home just to see where God is leading me; however, I am very passionate about being at home for the kids.

I believe my place is at home right now. It's just a matter of finding a way to earn a living while being home. I love this time with the kids and do not want it to end. Hopefully, some doors will open very soon that will allow me to earn a living and stay home.

I have another job that I interviewed for one week ago. I should hear today about whether or not the company wants to move forward with interviewing me.

Trying to meditate on:

Matthew 7:7 Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

Psalm 111:5 He provides food for those who fear him;
he remembers his covenant forever.